Continuous Internal Assessment

I was supposed to make this blog post yesterday.The day before my CIAs started. To record my feelings towards them before they started. Alas, i was trying to study due to which i did not post this post.

I remember the time when i was hella intelligent. When i was able to learn my lessons and remember them and write them in the exams and score brilliant marks. But the last two years have seen a downward facing graph of my academic activities. Am i losing my intelligence or am i being dumbed down by the outdated syllabus? Or am i just looking for excuses to fail in life? I know education is important to a certain but is it the only thing that matters? I strongly believe that knowledge is more important than baseless education.
Also, this is how i console myself when i get terrible marks in, how shall i put it, stupid tests. Tests that test the intelligence quotient of a half-brained homosapien. When i am unable to pass the test with flying colours, it only makes me want to believe, that much harder that i am not human, but infact i'm an extraterrestrial.

Jokes apart. What is going on in my head, i know not. I just hope the saying,"everything happens for the greater good" holds true in this case too. I have high hopes and deep thoughts. I am an intelligent being who dont need no marks to prove it. AND YET, there's this huge part of me that wails every time i get an average number on my test. When i get an answer wrong, a part of me crinkles until i'm a raisin.
Unnecessary isn't it? (TELL ME IT'S UNNECESSARY!)

I am capable of more. I know it. But when i sit my butt down and start studying, rather, attempt to start, my brain tells me, "Fool, what is the point of this? You are destined for greater things than sitting in an exam hall writing crap you will forget and will never use ever...!" Then i proceed to reblogging cat gifs on tumblr to calm myself down and the rest is well, as they say, history.
But about the 'never using the things we learn in the future' part. Am i right or am i right? Hence the cause of my lack of motivation.

I'm only here to express my self-pity and consolation.
I put in a hundred percent more effort in learning for today's test. Guess what?! My stupidity and bad reasoning abilities helped me screw up a perfectly ace-able paper. I had my mourning period. (lasting for approximately 47 minutes) I told my little brain ' Do not fret, there are other exams that can be aced! We're all in this together. We can do this'.

 Now for the actual execution. Updates and jizz will be posted.

On being an empty void pit

I sometimes go through this phase where i feel nothing. No joy. No sorrow. No remorse. No feeling at all. I think i become a zombie of sorts. No, that is not accurate. Zombies at least feel dead and hungry for brains. I think this is more of a cyborg type feeling. But even they must feel like they have a purpose to fulfill, i bet.
But then there's me. A million things to do and not a single ounce of motivation is being felt in my body. This is of course an uncomfortable state of mind for me. I want to feel. So what do i do? I listen to emotional music. It works almost half of the times. But this time I'm on the side where it is as ineffective as pouring fresh water into the ocean. (what a comparison. wow.)
My friend suggested i listen to John Lennon. I did. I think it's not the best idea to open the floodgates of emotions, when the infant, that is, the non-emotion is still making it's way out of the damn dam. (like climbing out of the dam which was previously dry because the floodgates were holding the water away. What parent would let an infant into the dry dam at any point of time anyway? Well, it's just another bad comparison...so...)
After listening to four songs, namely, Working Class Hero, Imagine, God and How?, I had to, shall i say, shift to less triggering songs.
Unsuccessfully shifted to La Dispute. Surprisingly, could not feel the feels i usually feel.

The only album(apparently) that helps me cope (currently) is Sempiternal by Bring Me The Horizon. It has the right amount of energy to let my brain focus on the instruments, the splendid unclean vocals and the prestigious (wowza for choice of adjective) lyrics that hit me in the right way. It makes me want to start a one-woman mosh-pit and mosh till i cant feel my body, chipped my wall off and/or make a blogpost about it. I feel much better.
Sigh.(of relief)


"THIS IS SEMPITERNAL. WILL WE EVER SEE THE END?
THIS. IS. SEMPITERNAL.
OVER AND OVER, AGAIN AND AGAIN"

On Valentine's Day

Everybody gets mushy and either extremely happy or extremely sad when it's valentines day. I, on the other hand turn sardonic. It's the way the day is portrayed. I am single and I am happy. It's not a lie i tell myself to help me sleep at night, it's the truth. I do not have the momentary need on valentines day for someone else to make me feel like a whole person. I didn't quite have the intention of ranting about this until one of my friends asked me how my valentine's day was. I'm sure she didn't mean to make it sound like she was mocking me, but it did feel that way as anyone who knows me, knows i do not stand for the mainstream propagations ( especially the ones where the greeting card companies to make a profit) She went on to say that since she had no one to gift her anything she bought herself a gift to make herself happy. She also told me to do the same. Buy myself some chocolates and eat them. Like binge eating i suppose? Because im single and no guy wants to go out with me?

I honestly do not give a flying duck about not having some GUY on a day where everyone acts as romantic as Manny is everyday. I do not hold my self-worth based on a relationship i cant conjure because my standards are exceptionally abnormal to be met with. Telling yourself or others that "Its okay, feel better with chocolates" is not a way of consoling them. It is a way to say, "feel bad because no one loves you". That is not true because i do have people who love me and they don't need that one day to show it. The need for a guy to complete me? That is not a compliment to the guy, but an insult to myself. An insult because, one need not feel incomplete due to the lack of a lover/love-maker person. You are a whole person, in yourself. You should not believe anything less and neither should you let anyone treat you or make you feel that way.

I may sound like a crazy-preacher person, because sometimes i need to let that person in me out and make this world a better place for me to live in! Get it? A bit selfish, because who isn't? Also im not running for president. So feel good and if you ever feel like no one loves you, you're wrong because I DO!

Much Love.