With 'Welcome To My Life' playing in the background, I lie facedown on my bed with tears of frustration while i imagine an imaginary warmth being radiated from a human i may never materialize into my life. The song makes too much sense. Even after a decade, i still feel the same emotions in the song.
The weight of my loneliness squishes my whole existence when i bawl my suppressed emotions, emotions i have neatly folded and flattened and placed under the protection of pretense of everything being okay. To be honest there is nothing wrong. But i often feel like i'm being pushed into the ocean when in reality i have just learnt to beat my legs in the water after testing it's temperature. I didn't even realize that i was falling into the water and was made to believe that it was a choice that i made. A casual swim, turned out to be a man vs wild, rather silly girl vs wild, expedition minus the fame and scripting. This is real. The comfort of being able to feel the bottom has been deprived. I now beat my legs to stay afloat, not to feel the swish of the cool ocean water. I do not even get a reward for being a sacrificial bait. No last supper, nothing.
What do i do now? Swim to land? Hope for a shark to bite into me? Drown? If i swim to land, maybe i can take the path the other swimmers refused to take. If i drown, ill just be another floating body like the rest. And then probably a shark may eat me. Now would be a good time to reward me. How about a map of the land i will discover. I dont ask for a float, because i dont want to get used to the comfort of staying in the waves of false satisfaction.
I honestly like the metaphor because no one will have a clue what im talking about except me. Now, honestly i'm afraid fatigue will get the best of me. Pretense will paint a faux rosy picture and i will be asked to admire the beautiful sunset from the middle of the ocean, because hey, the glass is always half full!
The weight of my loneliness squishes my whole existence when i bawl my suppressed emotions, emotions i have neatly folded and flattened and placed under the protection of pretense of everything being okay. To be honest there is nothing wrong. But i often feel like i'm being pushed into the ocean when in reality i have just learnt to beat my legs in the water after testing it's temperature. I didn't even realize that i was falling into the water and was made to believe that it was a choice that i made. A casual swim, turned out to be a man vs wild, rather silly girl vs wild, expedition minus the fame and scripting. This is real. The comfort of being able to feel the bottom has been deprived. I now beat my legs to stay afloat, not to feel the swish of the cool ocean water. I do not even get a reward for being a sacrificial bait. No last supper, nothing.
What do i do now? Swim to land? Hope for a shark to bite into me? Drown? If i swim to land, maybe i can take the path the other swimmers refused to take. If i drown, ill just be another floating body like the rest. And then probably a shark may eat me. Now would be a good time to reward me. How about a map of the land i will discover. I dont ask for a float, because i dont want to get used to the comfort of staying in the waves of false satisfaction.
I honestly like the metaphor because no one will have a clue what im talking about except me. Now, honestly i'm afraid fatigue will get the best of me. Pretense will paint a faux rosy picture and i will be asked to admire the beautiful sunset from the middle of the ocean, because hey, the glass is always half full!
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